I Remember..

I remember when I was a little kid,it was pure excitement and fun whenever I get to meet up with my cousins and play with them. We were roughly about the same age, and we did have our share of joy being around each other.

I remember one morning, we were at our grandparent’s place. There we were perched on the balcony. I saw the rainbow first. I pointed at it and said to my cousins, ‘Look!’ .. It was such a beautiful moment. And I’m just impressed how vivid this memory is.

Look, rainbow !

I remember, when I was about 8 or 9, I accidentally made a hole on my mum’s dress with the iron.  I was a dead meat..

I remember, when I was a kid, I love climbing up the door frame, going up like a spider.

I remember being naughty at school. Hiding my classmates’ pencil cases. And scaring my friend with my tortoise pet which I brought to school. I remember putting them in my pinafore’s pocket..

I remember the red flicker of the heater switch on my room’s wall..

I remember I like to create shadows on the wall next to my bed every time before I go to sleep. The favourite shadow, since its the easiest would be the bird.

I remember disturbing my nanny washing the clothes in the basin in my toilet ! I would be jumping on the basin with the shower turned on ! I was that small to fit in the basin.

I remember lying down on the floor in my mum’s room. I was solving this jigsaw puzzle.  It was a Disney jigsaw puzzle.

I remember going crazy at Thorpe Park. I’ve always loved amusement parks. They’re my playground. Always wanting to try something more thrilling.

I remember the colour and texture of my favourite coat when I was 5. It  was a gray and black checkered long coat, with front pockets, with round buttons.

I remember sitting at the back of my cousins’ mini motorcars. There were 2. One red, and one blue. Mercedes baby! And my cousin will be driving within the house compound. Mini cars with real engines.

I remember the white Chevrolet 4WD at my grandparent’s place. Black seats, left hand drive.

And that my parents used to drive it to the polo club with it. with me in it of course.

I remember posing for a picture with my family and another family (Alex Dan, Monica Dan, and their son Gerrard Dan) in Hong Kong. I remember posing with my book ‘The Children at The Green Meadow’.

I remember going to an island in a speed boat with my family, with my late grandmother. We were all pretty soaked.  Yeah, the water and waved kept splashing on us.

I remember being mistaken for a boy at Trafalgar Square. I was wearing a pink shirt with a colourful pink pants..How cud he…uhmmm… ah nvm..

I remember during pre-school , I had a classmate, a boy, who brings oranges for snack. He had a darker skin tone.

I remember wanting to go to school so early in the morning. And will do all it takes to make sure I get to school first. So that I can play with my friend.

I remember the first day of school and seeing one of the girls from kindergarten going to the same class.

I remember reading Enid Blyton’s books, Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew. They were my favourite. Oh and how could I forget my Fear Street collection.So proud of them !

I remember jumping off this cement bench at school with my friends pretending we were a bunch of Japanese volleyball heroes. Yeah, from this old Japanese drama series.

I remember watching Oshin, Carebears, My Little Pony, She-Ra, He-Man and the Thundercats. And oh how could I forget Jam & The Misfits, and the Little Smurfs.

I remember the typewriter in the living room at my family’s old house in Chester Street.

I remember going down to the basement , to where the pool used to be, with my brother.

I remember playing Prince of Persia computer game in London , and Raptor at my teacher’s house.

I remember witnessing insects mating (weird) when my classmates pointed to the insects.

I remember running around the boy’s school chasing a boy named Rajah. We were running at the corridors. At on of the corners he bumped into his teacher who was holding a cup of coffee..

I remembered making sure that the front side of my NKOTB file was faced outside so that everyone the school bus could see it.

I remember the wardrobe, dressing table, study table and bed when I was in year 1. I remember doing my homework and my nanny would also help me out.

I remember my cousin gave me an address book. My grand aunty gave me a Garfield wallet .It was light blue in colour  with white stripes.

I remember hoping that the pink tennis racket  on the table is for me. But actually my mum got it from toys r us for my cousin’s birthday.

I remember accidentally dropped the thermometer on the  floor of my brother’s room. And the mercury was all over the floor. I remember they were small and round !

I remember I used to eat something for tea. Usually snacks and chips. I remember their shapes. Triangles and hexagons. Different flavours. I remember I liked the barbeque flavoured ones.

I remember playing my classmate’s CD out loud in the kitchen at home. I was dancing to that song ‘We were young..we were free….by Supergrass. The CD cover was white in colour.

I remember I had an ice cream cake for my 11th birthday’

I remember I had a pair of green badminton rackets. They were my most prized possesion.

I remember someone gave me a UB40 album on my 12 th birthday. The Best of UB40 .This was 15 years ago.

My childhood have been a truly amazing one. I didn’t say it was a happy one. It was just amazing that I could still, vividly recall my childhood. It will forever be close to me, in my heart and in my mind. I’m blessed with this memory.. I remember … and I will always remember..

As I move on with my life, I really hope there are more cheerful things which I can remember back.. ones that will surely make me smile.

I have so many beautiful people around me. Those who can laugh and cry with me, those who care for me, those who I can share my most stupid jokes with. My life doesn’t need to be more messy than this. I was a happy child. I defined how happiness should come to me. I was not demanding. I had my fears, I had been a naughty child. And I do know that whatever happened before does certainly shape me to the way I am right now. The mold and cast is fix. I am the way I am.

I have my flaws. I realize that to err is human. I understand that life is not only about achieving the best, for the best. Its a bigger outlook which I realize throughout this while.

Much more as I get older.I’ve always felt I could fly.. I love going to places. I allow my thoughts and imagination to release that energy from within me, and bring back the positive feel to me. I can almost relax.My eyes are shut. I relax my shoulders and hands. I let the mind wonders. I am in the world of my own. I am what I am and nobody can take away what’s in me.

And also I do realize what missing now is that childish innocence. The wanting to do whatever whenever however without any regrets. Just doing it for that sake of doing it. There was not much contemplation involved. Just pure excitement in doing things and checking things out. There was less worry but there were injected fear.

I remember growing up asking me the question ‘why was I born as me?’, why me? its hard being me..

I remember crying to myself and that my dad would come to me trying to comfort me. And that I would cry even more  whenever someone close, relevant and meaningful to my life tries to comfort me.

I remember shedding those tears when I hugged my mum. Just a simple hug enough to bring my defenses down.

I remember thinking I was strong and that I can face whatever challenges.

I remember being brought up in such  a way where I do no not have the option to choose, timid, scared, unsure..

I remember having to agree with all that mum or dad says.

Happiness is a hard earned entity. But is was not difficult  to preserve my childhood moments. Because I chose to preserve them, well, vivid in my memory. I do have options. Actually.

I remember and know it’s fear and self-esteem which are my 2 dreadest enemies. It has been with me and haunting me. It was was planted in me, and left to grow and cultured in this mind and soul. I came to realization as I grow older that I hated these two very much and would very much want them out of my system.

I remember telling myself that I can press the  ‘switch’ these turn on and turn off buttons.

Then there was me. One moment I can be very confident and the next moment all I can see is a person who keeps silent and not wanting to engage any conversation with anyone. Just silence, smiling, and continuing to do whatever I am doing. Pretending to concentrate as to ignore what’s going on around me.

‘What is this? ‘ I ask myself. I try to shed the old me. Turning into a better and more confident and positive person everyday.

I try and will keep on trying eventhough it is just a try.

And never give up for my quest of eternal happiness and love.Amen.